Suprised by Life
I have always been sad in my life that I never had a suprise party. Somehow, I got passed by on the phenomenon of TV childhoods where everyone hides and suprises you from behind your living room couch, or at your favorite restaurant on your birthday. And it's funny, because most of the time I hate suprises, I want to know ahead of time what is happening, when it's happening, and where this particular event is going to take place. But sometimes, I long to lay all those worries and fears and stresses aside and just be suprised by life.
Several months ago in the fall, I found myself feeling like God was giving me clarity on a particular situation in my life. That he was telling me what was next and the next would happen in March. But you know what? As soon as I knew (or thought I did) I was miserable. I wanted it to be the future. I had trouble focusing on the life going on around me. And worst of all (to me) I started hoping for this thing. In shadowy corners of my mind, and sometimes in the full daylight in front of my closests friends, I hoped dearly for this thing to come to pass like I was hearing. And then it didn't.
March came and went with nary a sight of what I was waiting for.
And I was devastated. I felt like God had just been taunting me. Or that I was totally delusional when I thought he was speaking to me. And lies started to fill my head that I was "crazy" to think I deseved anything good. And that I was never going to get what I wanted. And that I might as well just give up and stop that silly hoping. That God was never going to suprise me. That life would just continue on with how it had been.
Part of me feels like I still don't know why that senario happened. But, I am starting to see a little purpose. I think God was telling me that "no, I really don't want to see what's going to happen next in my life." He wants me to enjoy where I am right now. To be focused on and pouring into the place he has me today. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next year, but today. That doesn't mean I don't save for the future, or have hope for the things to come. But, I am made to live today. He has given me strength enough for today, and that is what I need to live in. Not, what's next.
So, I will wait. Somedays, I am sure I will do it well. And others, I am sure I will stare up at the heavens and beg God to tell me what's next. But more than anything, I am going to try and live life with hope. Hope that he will suprise me with things I never expected. A life that is a much grander adventure than I can conjour up in my mind. My prayer tonight is that I lay aside the fears for the future, and trust God to just suprise me with something wonderful and unexpected.